09 November 2015

Nobody's Thinking of You

I'm turning 40 in 6  months, and that reality, coupled with becoming a mother 10 months ago, has me reevaluating my life. I have this almost pathological need for people to like me. I care what everyone thinks of me--not just my family and friends, but acquaintances and strangers as well.  This has made me into an incredibly neurotic person because I am forever trying to please everybody. Since that's not always possible, I spend a lot of time castigating myself for failing to make everyone like me all the time. This is exhausting. It's also terrible for my self esteem. And it prevents me from enjoying life.

One of the reasons I keep neglecting this blog is because I feel like I have little of value or interest to offer and so have nothing to write. I've contemplated erasing the whole thing because the past posts seem dull and uninspired. It's the perfectionist's curse. If I don't have something brilliant to say, it must be worthless. But I've come to the realization that I need to stop waiting until everything is perfect before moving forward. Because nothing will ever be perfect. How did it take me so long to come to that conclusion?

I just read Elizabeth Gilbert's Big Magic, and there was one page that stuck out to me (see below).  I need to read it everyday until it sinks in: "Nobody's thinking of you." How liberating! I hope I can internalize this message and that it will free me from both my perfectionism and concerns over what others think of me. And I hope that it frees me to just write because it's just a little blog, for Pete's sake.