09 November 2015

Nobody's Thinking of You

I'm turning 40 in 6  months, and that reality, coupled with becoming a mother 10 months ago, has me reevaluating my life. I have this almost pathological need for people to like me. I care what everyone thinks of me--not just my family and friends, but acquaintances and strangers as well.  This has made me into an incredibly neurotic person because I am forever trying to please everybody. Since that's not always possible, I spend a lot of time castigating myself for failing to make everyone like me all the time. This is exhausting. It's also terrible for my self esteem. And it prevents me from enjoying life.

One of the reasons I keep neglecting this blog is because I feel like I have little of value or interest to offer and so have nothing to write. I've contemplated erasing the whole thing because the past posts seem dull and uninspired. It's the perfectionist's curse. If I don't have something brilliant to say, it must be worthless. But I've come to the realization that I need to stop waiting until everything is perfect before moving forward. Because nothing will ever be perfect. How did it take me so long to come to that conclusion?

I just read Elizabeth Gilbert's Big Magic, and there was one page that stuck out to me (see below).  I need to read it everyday until it sinks in: "Nobody's thinking of you." How liberating! I hope I can internalize this message and that it will free me from both my perfectionism and concerns over what others think of me. And I hope that it frees me to just write because it's just a little blog, for Pete's sake.

19 January 2015

It's a girl!

The last time I wrote was almost a year ago, and it was during a time of reflection and grief. I can hardly believe what has happened since I last wrote. The biggest news of all is that I became pregnant again, and, this time, the pregnancy resulted in one beautiful and healthy baby girl (born on Dec. 29). I look at her everyday and still can't believe she's real.

We found out in April that I was pregnant and were cautiously optimistic. I bled slightly at about 6 weeks and was worried it would result in another loss. However, a doctor's appointment revealed the heartbeat shortly after, and I cried from happiness, disbelief, and relief. The pregnancy itself was difficult though. Since week 7 or so, I suffered from extreme nausea and vomiting -- collapsing on the bathroom floor each night, my belly contorted in pain from vomiting and retching all day. As loath as I was to medicate, anti-nausea drugs allowed me to cope, and the nausea and vomiting finally went away at about 30 weeks. However, as soon as that ended, the heartburn began, and the rest of my pregnancy was plagued by acid reflux so bad that I--TMI alert--actually projectile-vomited from the burn. So, I started taking antacids, which only took the edge off but never completely alleviated the heartburn.

Yet, now all of those and other symptoms are forgotten, and I stare in awe at my daughter (holy crap, I have a daughter!!). Since her birth, I've been overwhelmed with emotion. I'm crying constantly--with joy, with worry, and with intense dread, the latter mostly because I fear something happening to her. As she grows up, I hope I can focus on the joy more and worry only when it's time to worry. Easier said than done, I know.

I still have plans to revive this blog, so see you later.